When I look back and remember my most anxious period of spiritual search (which included one from 1996 when I received my initiation into Reiki 2nd level and July 2003 when he finally agreed to my initiation into Reiki Master 1 ...
I had a first stage where I thought I should participate in any group activity could, because from there to he many contributions of ideas, suggestions paths, interesting examples of paths of others, would receive the necessary inspiration to let me clear my way forward, there came a moment when I realized that, had earned more in confusion, perhaps in despair of not being as good as others, I fell in comparison to see me less than "images" of others...
So what is what was wrong?, the only thing that I could understand was my great desire to advance on the spiritual path, but more than this, it become a deep longing to achieve the mastering in Reiki, but it was impossible to save the money that the Alliance Reiki asked for the master degree... then I saw all the doors closed.
So I fell into a period of years in which I withdrew into an inner quest, had a job away from Montevideo that made me difficult to participate in most events, but also weighed in the balance the return of the few who had been participate without seeing ... a personal improvement ...
Since progress did not come, I started looking for other spiritual paths, through yoga, and reading spiritual philosophies, in short, very arid land for a lone seeker.
There was born the passion for small pilgrimages, which were really long walks in touch with nature. Then I found a wonderful partner. I found something that works for me, long walks as a meditation in motion, so simple in my mind wanders to my path and I did not bother to maintain a state of inner silence.
Then I began to enumerate a long list of places you should wander, looking for places that were special or magical about where I could get to meditate in silence and peace.
Over the years hundreds of kilometers traveled on foot, trying so many different places, dunes, hills, mountains, beaches, mountains and forests, but none were all good enough to reach a state of deep inner peace, a state of harmony with the whole, to reach a small light or deep insight, to clear my spiritual path.
So the years passed, the search for different places, each with its own challenge, but all that went on, at least I felt, were the miles walked ... Search, to find not even myself... Shortly after my initiation into the master, when the search had turned a... Well now, what do I do? How do I follow?.
One weekend I decided to climb a mountain near the small town I lived in Italy, is called the mount Sorate, which are actually a group of mountains where in the central there are a hermit named, the old San Silvestro, about 1500 years, with the ultimate goal to reach a isolated mountain at the end of the pilgrimage.
I reached the top of the first hill where today is the monastery of Sant Oreste, and night had fallen, I decided to lie down on a bench in the courtyard outside and meditate all night, but the cold of the night did not help much. At daybreak resumed my walk, and came to the old hermit, trying to focus my energy on the spiritual search that pilgrimage, I followed a few hours after the last mountain course, which I already past noon, I was there a long time in a silence interrupted only by the wind ... I returned from that weekend more confused than happy.
I never got any special understanding ... once again nothing was enough.
And then I wondered, may never find that special place?
Time passed and finally I realized that magic was not the goal sought, was in the way I set myself to go to reach that goal.
A few years later I wrote in my house a presentation with images ... the text is as follows:
"I lived looking goals to achieve,
"But the best times of my life were those of my daily struggle ...
"Because in them I learned my limits, and my ability to devote the best of me after something that is important ... and to get up on each trip.
"I learned ... to be humble, to ask for help when I could not only ... but also to recognize that it was I who had to take steps toward my goal…
"I also have faith in myself, to see the beauty of life, having a light that I pointed the way ...
"But when we finally reached the goal, and looked... I left all the way back,
"And then by looking back at last achieved the goal...
"Amazed realized that this was meaningless by itself... it was no longer the same person who started the long journey ...
"But despite all, that long journey, yes, it had sense,
"Because the great value of everything was in my growth process to achieve... because thanks to him I could be a better person.
"I learned that the goal itself was not important
"What is the process of growth that succeeded in walking each day into a higher state...
"Quit worrying about past trips, not content with a single goal achieved...
"As life goes on and always have to get better more...
"We all cross bridges to make the best of ourselves, a bridge to infinity"
Take long to realize that if I reached forward, perhaps not what I once dreamed it would be, but, I knew what was my path? ... And not true to my inner light.
So much so as my first search phase latter also confused because as the old saying goes, many trees don’t let see the forest, and looking at the forest I can’t see the huge tree in front of my nose ...
Today I can say, no matter if I stop a while, because often is necessary in spiritual walk, just if I can feel inside, with humility and sincerity, is this my way?
A sincere hug, Paul Barbé
